A Little Lost

I just celebrated my 53rd birthday, my first birthday without parents.  It was tough.  And yet, I made it through.  There were lots of tears and pain and lots of reminiscing and giggles.  It was just the birthday I needed.  I was showered with lots of love from my immediate family and thanks to Facebook and email, from lots of extended family and lots and lots of friends.  I feel blessed and so loved.

Someone said, "You're an orphan" and I thought "No I'm not".  That's not my status.  I just don't have parents.  I did;  I just don't anymore.  Period.  Orphan? What's that about?

I have a dear friend who celebrates her birthday with a week long celebration before her special day.  I chose to follow her lead.  I met up with a friend a day each day before my birthday.  We shared tea, sushi, Indian food, dreams, secrets and hopes.  I also shared a Japanese Macrobiotic meal with a dear friend who's birthday is a day earlier (and about 7 years after) mine.  She said something so profound, as she is oft meant to do.  She said that without parents you must be "a little lost".   Bingo!  That's what it is.  That's what it feels like, like being just a little lost.  And I know I probably will be for some time, if not for the rest of my life.

A little lost.  Lost in terms of a base framework.  Lost in terms of who I now am without parents.  Just a little lost.  Such a perfect way to refer to my new status.  Not completely lost because I feel blessed that I do know my way on this side of life (and death).  Just a little lost.  Not enough to stop me from using my voice, not enough to silence me, just enough to make me pause......